Brownness

Lost Chances

A good weekend passed by with some great friends, plenty of hugs and just warm hearted holding of the significant one in my life.  But I cant resist the nagging thought that while the great moments were there, so much more was lost by not being handling the stuff in the heart’s basement.  The constant fear of ruining a good time wins me over everytime, but I do wonder what if I just took that chance and just let it all hang out, but maybe thats the problem.  Its all or nothing.  And that approach hasnt worked, so something new is needed, and even though I know that I still want to puke everything up, i need to just try and talk it through one by one.  I am the bad partier way past his prime. But I have to be like the fictional Rocky and get up in the ring, instead of just dreaming about a future that may never come around, if I am not brave enough to fight in the ring now.  

But then I dip back in to the wonderful day;s memories, and it just seems to easy to let things be, and that our love will heal all.  The problem is that there is a deep wound that needs more than just a dab of love, it needs wrenching and no holds barred honesty.  And so as usual, I stick on the edge, lookind down into the abyss, just wondering if diving in will either end up with my death or perhaps a new lease on life.  But for now, the wait continues.  I said I needed to be strong, didnt say I was going to be.  Yes, yes I know story of my life.

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