Brownness

Touched

Funny how some words can touch you while others just float right by you.  Recently, I have been lucky to have been touched.  From the comic book Y to 30 Things You Need to Know, I derived a sense of myself that just wasnt visible for a while.  And then ofcourse there has been writing.  As I bled onto this page, its not a sense of loss anymore that accompanies but a determination to make things right once more.  I am a mistake waiting to happen, and they are my best friends.  But the first step in anything is recognizing it then naming it, and then allowing it to shape you.  So perhaps I have a chance instead to be something more meaningful than a stupid mistake. 

There isnt a new me anymore, but there is a new hope for dealing with things in life better.  I am responsible for my actions, and also my feelings.  And I will continue to whine about them.  But I also hope to accompany them with more action, more attempts at cutting off the source of my torments.  ANd just being more me, than being hopeful.  This post may sound cyclical maybe even contradictory, but its really about accepting my actions, or non actions, and trying to change them so I can find the real me.

I just hope its not a very long wait.

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