Brownness

Firsts

First time in a while I let go of someone willingly and not regret it with either pain or sadness.  It was an acceptance of the new reality I am feeling today in my life.  First time, I did not try to make the other person feel my emptiness at their being gone because for once it is not there.  It is acceptance really of knowing that person really just fulfils you, that a few hours, a day, maybe a week without them wont weaken me may perhaps even make me stronger. 

Sure, I miss those moments still, but for once its without the ache of bitterness or insecurity.  Its just a wistful image of the great times you have with that person, and for now all seems ok in life. Of course, I cant pretend that it will last forever, but I hope to learn so I can keep having more moments like this.  Sharing a great night friends and family does that to you now I realize.  I made only 1 person the judge of my emptiness, but surrounded by others made me realize there are other ways to handle loss. 

Sure the day was incomplete without her, I cant lie about that but today it didnt feel like the end of my life or my personality.  Infact, it seemed like yucky medicine that makes you better anyway.  So yes I feel ill without her, but now time apart seems to be a healer of sorts.  Now I just look forward to holding her in my arms, cherishing her laugh, but most of all just touching the love I have finally gotten from a soulmate.

Who would have thunk it, an actual happy monday.  Tiring but refreshing all the same.

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