Brownness

Fight

I hate the awkwardness after a fight.  What was carefree and simple before becomes exaggerated and stiff.  Its like one has to fake being normal until something in our heart kicks us in gear.  I hate that period because you get to wondering when you will get to that magic moment when all is right in moment, where the laughter and the questions arent forced but genuinely following that person’s heart? 

As much as I hate fighting, I hate the making up even more for the above reasons.  I know its unreasonable to expect to everything to revert as if we went through a time portal, but then my expectations about love are probably different from others.  I know when I am spent from a fight, I just want to be ok, and I want to comfort the other person. 

The main fear I have after the fight is tthat he fakeness can lead to more fights, more exhausation, more worry is this really going to work out? And it is just plain tiring. How many time can we someone use their brain as a punching bag for insecurities, anger, sadness and just fear? I was down for 10 count, but before it got there, I am back up.  And I am going to fight to make sure I dont fight.  I dont want a life full of pain especially when I have someone who is my joy and love. 

So my mid year resolution.  Accept life as it is.  Expect nothing but relish everything.  Pain is but a sympton not the cause.  I can do better, and will do so.  So on the 4th of July, I free myself from fight, and endeavor to fight for my relationship.  Yea, yea I get the contradiction, but if I am going to fight no matter what, it better be for the right damn reasons. 

Happy 4th.  A year ago it wasnt for us, but maybe just maybe this weekend will erase that desperate fight to survive society.  Just maybe.

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