Sometimes, I wonder if a partnership is just taking on the other’s pain, and accepting nothing in return? Or is that love? or a favor? or being a friend? The last few days have surprised me in who has been there for me, and the ones I thought would be are strangely silent. Or maybe I just killed their voices with my constant falls?
And so again, I am alone or I think I am until I talk to others who force their way past that iron wall, and say hey I am here, are you ok? Your not alone. And strangely it hurts, because its not the familiar partner you expect, but someone else who feels your emotions. And you wonder I made a mistake, and yet others feel like its their problem, and need to make you feel every second of that stupidity? It sounds like human nature. ” I am too hurt” to see your pain. And vice versa. And so on that circle continues, and I begin to think that perhaps the problem is me. Maybe I feel too much for too long, and dont allow others to feel that, or maybe because I can express that pain, somehow it makes it ok for others to pile on some more?
I have a problem. Of saying sorry , admitting my mistakes too readily, and constantly trying to see the other side. Maybe it makes me a good lawyer but more rightly a lousy listener. Contradictory perhaps, but I am so ready to see the other’s pain or reasoning, I forget myself. Except in these words, but somehow whats left is me being that person to vent to another, especially the ones you wish to share with. And so althought the words are here on this page, they still feel lonely because I am. The ones that could take that way too much in pain, and I too ready to consider that to want to disturb them.
So here I go on, hoping the words give me some shape even though I am hollow inside. But somehow full with pain.
But I digress…