Whats the statute of limitation on failure? I mean, everytime I feel like I have gotten over a hill, it just turns up that all I did was climb up higher to fall down even harder. And then talking to others who so clearly see my idiocy makes me feel like I am not even human, that I am someone who has lost his own judgement so much so that I am better off being a pupper for others to pull strings on. The rage rises up for a second, and then something just pulls it inside, and I go quiet. And that seems to be my only weapon: silence, yet my weakness is my speaking. It is like I am being watched so I can trip again and again and again. How long do I pay for past mistakes or is because to others I am still alive. Is the death of my personality their victory prize?
I am weakening in my desolution but growing quite skilled at shutting up. I can relate to other who drop to despair because honestly it seems like no one gets the words coming out of my mouth. That I am just another exercise in social activity to get through. Just say hi to Sanjay, it doesnt matter what comes out of his mouth. Just do the deed. Show up and let him blather on. So silence now appears to be an appear, and words my poison. Perhaps it is better I drown myself in these little letters knowing that perhaps somewhere, someone may read beyond this white space. For now, the appearance is enough.
Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog 