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Posts tagged ‘Health’

Sep 14

Fences: A Blog Post

by Jemal Yarbrough

Sometimes words can do more damage to your soul and personality that it can take months to repair the person you thought you were.  Recently, I inflicted serious emotional injuries on someone very close to me, not realizing that instead of being there as a person, I became an aloof prick .  The change was not sudden, but sad to say it took me a few days to see how far I had drifted on the person I used to be.  What is the point of growing up or having all the material wealth in the word when I managed to push people who fill my heart and soul with love?

In just a few minutes, I created a fence for that special someone who is now barbed with hurt, distrust but most of all disbelief that I could be this way.  The excuses are many, but the reality is I forgot for a bit how incredibly lucky I am to have the people I do in my life.  Sure, there are some new additions but I have been truly given gifts that I have not treated invaluable

In the end, words are easy to say and fling around but the journey back to love will take time, and I will need to once again prove why I am the best choice.  It has not helped at all that what I did was in front of people who think very less of me now, and it definitely has taken away a lot of the privacy I desired (ironic, I know since I am blogging about it but here at least it’s in generalities).  Now, I have to face some when all I want to do is wish I was invisible and never be seen again.  But I deserve it so it shall be.  The fence was created by me, and instead of keeping someone close to me, I managed to create a divide…

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Aug 9

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Roaming Thoughts: A Blog Post

Parts of the city of Geneva and Lake Geneva wi...

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The buzz of the birds shines outside our window in Geneva, Switzerland, jet lag still a dear friend so as she breathes heavily due to an impromptu day nap, I sit myself in front of you to spill the churning thoughts inside me.   Poetic I am not, overly bored definitely.  I am smiling involuntarily as images of dancing with my friends and family is still looking to be filed away to become a distant memory yet the amazing wedding and love shown are making me reluctant to tuck away wedding month of celebration.  I dare not admit that 5 years ago, this seemed impossible, with many writing off (including myself) a big wedding, instead hoping someone from her side would show up.   Yet, I seem hard pressed to remember that time, instead I am surrounded by smiling happy faces from both sides, her loving brothers, her amazing parents and finally my always there family, culminating in 7 perfect events, 1000s of pictures, 100s of hours of movie footage but more than a lifetime of commitment to each other and our families, yet somewhere lost between are the small little moments we had, rough to sweet and I wonder what it is that makes a marriage (yeah, can you tell I am married now)?  When does a couple stop being lovers and friends and move on to becoming a loving partnership?  I ask because only in a true partnership can we accept each other strengths and weaknesses, soldering them together to become even stronger, even more agile and finally even more loving.  When we are lovers and friends, we each have distinct needs and wants that need to be taken care of, but in a marriage everything becomes conjoined, shared, split, experienced together otherwise your just two really good roommates who happen to get it on once in a while, aren’t we?

So here I sit, while her snoring gets louder, and I still at the various images hitting my head, from the little things friends did for me (sing when they weren’t planning on it, plan a bachelor party for 13 loud and picky guys, fly down even thought we hadn’t seen each other in years), just a multitude of kindness that I am not sure I can ever repay to the present moment.  She lies in bed snoring away at 9pm (12 noon our times) and in room my thoughts roam and I wonder (yet again), how I ever got this lucky. :)   It is becoming hard to sign off, to stop this post because the smile is not going away but the dread of what lies in the future remains.  So she snores and I roam…

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Jul 1

Regret: A Blog Post

UBC Hospital

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“Hey Sanjay, your _______ has been taken to the hospital.  Nothing to be worried about and…” the rest of the words were a blur as the immense guilt overwhelmed as I imagined that person not being part of my life.  In mili seconds, all the memories, half-said reminders to do more, talk more, spend more time with that all important person hit, and I numbly went through the motions of changing out of my workout clothes and got into the shower.  The water touched my body but not my mind, and I cannot remember if I had soaped myself or just stood in the water, aching for all the things I never got around to doing with them.  “Please, please let it be all ok. Please let them be here” I prayed to the nameless entity, my entire soul focused on the regrets of not doing more, of the last time I met them and the laughter we shared. I just could not imagine not seeing them during my wedding, now only 28 days more and wondered what kind of cruel Being takes away even that much happiness from me and them.

It was at 1am and as I sat in that hospital room, relieved that for now everything was ok, I was ashamed at my selfishness.  I only thought about me and my feelings, and tried to imagine how they must feel to lie in that bed and know that each subsequent hospital visit could be their last.  I watched as they breathed gently, at peace and smiling drowsily each time the nurse came by, jarring us both with the harsh light, apologizing for intruding but not really meaning it.

So there we sit in that room, regret my friend while relief the soldier who conquered that small room, allowing for another day, another moment, of just being with them.

Darkness. Light. Regret.  Relief.  We are who we allow ourselves to be.

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May 16

Bridge: A Blog Post

by Jemal Yarbrough

As I look at the beautiful picture done by my best friend Jemal, I realize how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life.  Sure, there were some days when I felt as if I was besieged and just taken advantage of, yet the reality was that no one did anything out of the ordinary.  It’s just that my perception of life has made question some basic things in my life such who are my friends?  I put so much importance in being liked that I forgot that no one can make you bad about yourself without your consent.

I realize now that I was unhappy with myself, and for that the only changed that was needed on my ability to deal with it.  Work has transformed into something I want to expand on, going out on new things a passion, working out so I can get the body I want a habit that I am unwilling to compromise for anyone.  I am now also around people who enable me my good habits rather than regret my past and my new decisions in life.  There are some in my life who are so unhappy with themselves that nothing I say or do can change that.  You know what, that’s their problem not mine.

I cannot change anyone except for myself, and until I do I will constantly be worried or annoyed about things that do not matter.  There are some near me in need of severe guidance but it’s not my job to fix them.  As hard as that is sometimes to recognize, I now know that I can only be there if needed or asked.  I was overly involved or affected by others and their habits when in fact the real culprit was my frustration with my failures or inability to get things done.  I can only be a bridge if people choose to use me as that tool.  I cannot force them to do things that they are unwilling or incapable of doing.  Does that mean I don’t care?  No, just that I no longer will interfere.  Just like the beautiful bridge, I will be here for the crossing when asked. :)

May 3

No Longer Alone: A Blog Post

Love Problems and Advice Illustrated SA

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Sitting in the quietness of the day, I now know that I am not alone anymore.  Prior days, weeks, months that were spent alone are now shared with someone I love deeply.  It’s an intense feeling, shimmering over my thoughts briefly, sprinkling my days with a deep longing for the one gone temporarily. I no longer have an emptiness in my soul or the need to fill myself with temporary distractions just so I feel as if I am alive.  Looking around my friends, I see some who are alone, who are going through the same struggle as I did when no one could fill the void in their soul.  Sure, we all have false starts and even perhaps some slight promise of one or two who may be the one, but deep in our hearts we already know that is not true.  As someone with several failed relationships, I am well aware that more times than not, we breathe life and personalities into people just because on the surface they seem so right with us.  In a way, we try to force upon ourselves and the person, who they SHOULD be rather who they ARE.

Yet, I also know the hard truth that this battle is theirs alone, and the only thing we can do is to love them as our own and be there when they ask for us.  You cannot force yourself upon anyone, no matter how great your intentions.  That’s a hard lesson for me, as my instinct is to always jump in to help.  But just like with success, a friendship or a relationship  can only move forward when we accept who we are and stop trying to change the one we want them to.

Of course, nothing I am saying is new or even perhaps original, just that it’s funny how all of us at one time or another go through the same experience, but really just fail to realize that there is always someone who has gone through exactly the same thing.  My point?  Look around you, and you will always find the support, love and kindness you need.  You just have to believe that you are NOT alone…

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Mar 2

Diet Day 3

An egg in an egg cup in the little-endian orie...

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Based on Four Hour Body by Timothy Ferris

Starting weight: 214 (day 1: forgot to mention measurements, this will also keep me honest)

Waist:46

Hips:41

Arms (16 left, 16.5 right)

Thighs: 24, 24

Today’s Weight: 209!

Waist: 44

So I have decided to weigh myself in the mornings and I thought (still think) that the new scale is broken because it read 209.1 (how’s that even possible?).  I did drink over 2 liters of water which led me to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes (and I wonder why no one talks about how urgent urination becomes when you drink so much water).  I am constantly worried about pissing my pants (doh!) and whether I am eating enough protein. Since I have done Atkins before, I am not as bothered by the diet although to be safe, I am just eating Beans and chicken since my cholesterol is a bit high.

Todays meals

Breakfast: 4 whole organic hard boiled eggs with lentils (mixed in with chat masala, onions and tomato and lime juice, its awesome) around 40 minutes after waking up.

Lunch: got greedy and ordered 2 fajita salad bowls with double chicken, double black beans, double peppers, all the salsa and guacamole.  Only managed to eat one bowl from Chipotle

Second Lunch: 2nd bowl of Chipotle Fajita bowl

Dinner: Protein shake, 10 oz water, worth about 20 grams of protein.

I haven’t decided if I am going to post daily or weekly (probably a bit of both) as I am determined that once I hit the 20 pound loss group, then I hit the gym because my end goal is to be in the best shape of my life.

No wonder, I have been stuffed all day, and oh yea, a HUGE first for me, coffee with no sweetener (that’s probably the only thing I miss).  Bye, Bye Splenda and Agave, I think I can do without you.

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